This was so profound that I had to share

Dating after a divorce is just like getting back on the horse, right?

Well, not so much.

It certainly is not the same as dating before marriage, and frankly, I think it takes a lot of courage on the part of both the male and the female to “get out there again.” You’ve got to feel ready to date, you need to find the right place to look for a date, and you’ve got to find the right one to date. At least it seems those are the right questions to answer before dating, but I found – and you may have as well – that it’s just not that simple.

Popular belief in today’s society holds that the key to getting over a divorce is to find someone new. Friends and relatives always had “the perfect person” they wanted to set me up with and went to great lengths to talk me into going on dates. But what they didn’t understand and I found a difficult time articulating was a new relationship would not be the cure for the massive emptiness I felt from my divorce.

In my opinion, there are three key mistakes people make when dating after a divorce and I would like to help you avoid them. The first one, and the main subject of this article, is very simple and almost always overlooked: Many people are simply not healed enough to date and begin new relationships.

I remember once during my post-divorce years going to confession to a very wise priest, Fr. Carlton, and discussing with him how I was feeling about my ex-spouse and the frustration he was still putting me through three years after our divorce. During this confession, Fr. Carlton said to me, “You say you want to love, but how can you love when your heart is so full of resentment and bad feelings?”

Wow.

That was a potent question and one that gave me much to think about. How could I love another man when my heart was full of these unresolved, painful feelings? Where was the room for love?

An imprisoned heart

I knew Fr. Carlton was right. I needed to rid my heart of the bad feelings toward my ex-spouse. I needed to forgive him.

I realized that my heart was like a prison where he was locked in a cell. Periodically, I would take him out and argue with him, telling him all the things I wished I had said when I remembered our arguments. Then I’d put him back in the cell and leave him there until the next time I decided to abuse him.

It was awful.

The worst thing about this was I was the one suffering the most from my lack of forgiveness. I expended an incredible amount of energy just being angry or upset. It also led me to believe that I could not trust men anymore, and that also had to be dealt with. A new relationship and possibly marriage would have to be, must be based on mutual trust and respect. Without it, there is nothing but a meaningless attraction.

So I worked hard on truly forgiving my ex-spouse. Forgiveness is a process and something I found I needed to do every day. The way I was able to achieve this was through practicing something else, too: acceptance.

I needed to accept the fact that I could not control the things my ex-spouse was doing, saying, or thinking. His leaving our marriage, his new lifestyle, and the reasons he gave others for all that was a source of incredible pain for me.

But I had to accept the fact that I could not control him. There simply was nothing I could do about it, so I had to let go of that and look to what I could control. That was my own actions, thoughts, and words.

I also had to accept that even though I was a good wife and fought for my marriage, I was not perfect. I had contributed to the break-up of my marriage in my own ways and I needed accept my faults and contributions to the divorce. This was not easy to do, but gradually, it helped me stop laying all the blame on others for my anger and pain.

Taking these two steps helped me tremendously in getting rid of the terrible feelings that were taking up room in my heart. In good time, I felt confident that if my ex-spouse ever walked into the same room I was in, I could walk up and shake his hand. And my heart became truly a place for love. Not simply love for someone new, but more importantly, for Christ. Through that exercise I found a greater love for God than I had ever experienced and it gave me joy and a great sense of peace.

Looking Forward

It is amazing to me how completely my life has changed in the last 3 years.
In a lot of ways for the good, and in some not so good.
Last year I was in my own home, with a business {I was working very hard to hold on to} but no money.
2 years before that I was [I thought] happily married to a man I adored and believed I would love till I died.
Having opened a beautiful salon, I wanted so badly to succeed at, mainly so we would have some sort of retirement. Living in a small town on the eastern shore of Maryland.

I am now living in California. And it is wonderful! Other than Hawaii, it is my favorite place to live.
I moved from LA up to Carmel, but things didn't work out quite the way I imagined.
The salon I was to work in was not as busy as I was led to believe, and the owner is controlling and crazy.

So, I am once again LA bound.

This is actually a good thing. I love the city! There is lots of energy, and things to do day and night.
Like New York, you can go out any time and find what you want.
Plus I have friends there.

There are plenty of salons there for me to find the right fit.  Early in my career, having a natural talent for it, I chose to specialize in hair color and now coming full circle I know I made the right choice.

My divorce from He-who-must-not-be-named [for you Harry Potter fans] is proceeding, and of course he blames me for everything. I still think of him often. And hope that someday I wont.

That is normal right?

Well, it has been a long time now, and someday soon my life will be settled in a positive way.

I think it is so hard for me because the love I felt for so long ended so abruptly. Without any explanation.

Well I am not the first to go through this, and I wont be the last. Sad, sad.

End of an Era

I received divorce papers last week.

When someone tell’s you time heals all wounds, they are so right. If this happened last year, I would have been so broken. But today, although really sad, I know that I will not only survive I will thrive.

You cant spend close to 20 yrs with someone and not miss them.
I have weathered the storm, and am loosing the anger, moving forward in forgiveness.

Without that my future would be scarred.

This is due to making myself change. Moving away was the first step.
This journey was to heal, and find my destiny.

Well, it looks like that is in California. In Carmel, on the Monterey coast.

Wow!

Since I arrived here I have been looking for the right spot for Dylan and me.

First I thought San Diego. It is beautiful, great weather, very artsy. Somehow I didn’t feel it.
I couldn’t SEE myself there. At least right now.

Then Santa Monica, Beverly Hills, Hollywood area.
I REALLY love Santa Monica.
But again I didn’t see my life there. I looked for a job there, and could easily have gotten one, but for what I would pay in rent it would be tough for a while. It has great weather, the beach and lot’s going on.
My job is commission and I would be struggling for a while, as there are so many hair stylist there.

So I am going to try Carmel and the area around there.

I believe in signs. And I have to say this seems to me to be a great sign that I have arrived at the place that God wanted me to be.

And for the first time in 3 years, I am happy.

So for all those that read this blog, that are going through a bad time.
Just let go.
All of those things that we are afraid to loose, all of the pain from divorce and having your life turned upside down, just let the spirit lead you.

Because you can not do it alone.

What are the chances that I would leave my life, drive out west [having never been here before].
Find a great job [in this bad economy] already have friends here and make new friends and be offered a safe place to live with my best friend Dylan [my border collie]?

Last year I could not get out of bed because the pain was too much.
The massive debt and struggle to hold on to my home and business were devastating.
It all made me sick. To the point I almost died. I couldn’t eat for a month. I lost 20 lb.’s.

But it was not my time yet. God has other plans for me. And I guess it is in California!

So now although I am sad that my marriage is over, I look forward to my future.
And it looks better than ever.

Thanks to all of my friends and family that have given me their support and love.
But most of all I give thanks to God for giving me the strength to make this happen.

When life stands still

Last night the stars became dimmer in my world.

 My son Justin, who is visiting me in LA, got a call that his best friend was stabbed to death by a 17 yr old who came to his apt to rob him. Pat, who is blind was the kindest soul. Having lost his sight when he was 18 to eye disease, Pat went on to collage, had just finished his degree and was looking forward to buying his first home.

The world stood still for a second, while we tried to process this. But how can you?
On a breath our lives have been changed forever. And the pain of that is indescribable.

July 18 2006 my world was changed in the same way when my best friend was murdered by her boyfriend. I felt it, way before I got that call. Something was just not right. I kept calling and calling, but got no answer. And I knew! I just knew that something bad had happened. I didn’t want to think in terms of death. Final. I thought maybe she was in hospital. But when I got the call, I felt like my head and heart exploded. I could not come to terms with this, and still think everyday about it.

I had bad dreams until the day I heard that her killer died of a stroke. The justice that could not be had on earth, was now given by GOD. I have little doubt where He is now.

Justin is so broken by this, and I know exactly how he feels. There are no words. The only thing that can be done is to be there for him. If he wants to talk, or just sit, I am there for him.
I know and share the pain he is feeling.

You want those closest to you to help you through it.

When Debra died, I had no one. My husband, basically left me to deal with this on my own.
He wouldn’t even go to the funeral with me. Nice guy huh? Aren’t I lucky he is gone.

Thankfully Justin has Pat’s family, and his other best friend is Pat’s brother Dan.
Justin and Dan will help each other through the dark days. They will never get over this.
But they will survive.

Today is a sad day.

Dating after marriage ends

At first glance, this seems so strange. When you are in a long term relationship you think that the dating world has ended for you, and thank God for that.

Dating can be stressful and difficult to get into. Especially if you are a woman and you are past 30.

Have things changed that much since the last time I was here? Do men really think it is expectable to touch you on the first date? Should I call him or should I wait for him to call me?

These are all things that go through your head when first you meet.

It is very different, than when you were younger. You are more conscious of what is and what is not desirable to you in a mate.

When in your 20’s it was all about chemistry. You weren’t necessarily thinking long term. Whatever felt right at the time was great, and go for it.
In your 30’s it was all about Mr Right. Who could you find to have children with [that is if you hadn’t already had them in your 20’s] and who would be your soul mate to share your life with.

When you divorce in your 50’s dating becomes a whole other thing.

It is now about trusting that the other person is who they say they are.

 And while chemistry is great, it isn’t all important. What the person’s life says about them, how they have treated their past relationships[because you tend to see a pattern in past relationships, I know I have one] where they want to be in the future. Because lets face it, your future is limited by time. As a woman, we don’t want to be doing this again in another 20 years.
So trust is essential.

Most women wont believe this, but there is a large population of men out there who want to date a woman older then them.
I am not really sure what I think about this. It is surely flattering, but is it real?

And then there is the financial aspect to all of this. You don’t want to date someone who is still trying to find their pot of gold.

In the past, I was willing to work with my ex’s toward a future together, and by that I mean financially. But having been bitten more than once by that dog, I find I don’t want to pet them anymore.
So that means that who I choose to develop a relationship with has to be self sufficient.

And then you want someone you can admire. Someone who is interesting, well spoken, has a zest for life. And looks really seem unimportant now.
Don’t get me wrong, a handsome face and a nice butt are great. But is that all there is to life?
Been down THAT road, and I assure you, it is not.

I was told by my soon to be ex-husband, that I was not able to change, had a negative outlook and something else that I cant remember that was said to demean.
I think that I have proven that to be false.

So here I am. Moving forward, with lots of opportunities. And a positive outlook on the future, and not afraid to put myself out there in this crazy dating world.
But THIS time I intend to be smarter, and more aware of whom I am trusting with my heart.

Waiting for the Rain

Southern California is an interesting place. Some days you wake up and it looks like it’s going to rain, it feel’s like it’s going to rain. There is a chill and a breeze in the air….but no rain.

Whatup with that? 

We could use some rain here. Dry hills, dry people. The plants and trees here look like it rains all the time.

Everywhere there are beautiful, colorful flowers and huge trees. But no rain. it all comes from waste water. 

My friend says she wants rain because she feels like it washes away the sins of the world.

Another person said they want rain so they don’t have to pay for a car wash.

I like the first analogy.

Up north of here, it DOES rain all the time. They say Carmel has moss growing on the roofs…cant wait to see if THATS true.  

Rain makes me think of my dad. He loved thunderstorms, as I do too.

The day of his funeral there was a HUGE thunderstorm. Thanks Dad!

People here don’t realize what a gift rain is. In other parts of the world rain brings on a celebration.

In the Hindu tradition, rain on your wedding day brings good luck.

In Southwest Nigeria Lightening is used as an instrument of warfare.

In Japan, some rain dance rituals occur in the early spring, but the REAL rain dance takes place at the end of summer, for the harvest and when the farmers are desperate.

The Salel of Tunisia is part of the arid zone that extends from Morocco to Afghanistan. The people of this region profess the religion of Islam. theirs views link divine power, human actions and rain are based on the Qur>an and are expressed in rain prayers. Opinion is widely held that a drought is caused by the injustice and ingratitude to GOD, and that if people repent of their sins GOD would send them rain.




In the SUKKOT, or harvest of the moon festival in autumn is also known as the Festival of Rain.

Although nowadays we often view rain as an interruption or an inconvenience, those that live off the earth embrace rain as life. Rain nurtures and sustains us. In Israel, where rain is unpredictable and only comes during the winter season, Sukkot became one of the most important holidays of the year, because that is where the Jewish people asked for rain to fall. For our students starting a new year, this new beginning seems as unpredictable as the rain, and there is an unconscious collective desire to be blessed with the same security that rain brings.

In its primal form, Sukkot was done with great joy and impressive pageantry. "In Temple times, the week-long celebration of Sukkot was one of the year's two major pilgrimage events (the other being Passover). Jews came from all over the world to bring their tithes to the Temple, and to join in the celebrations. There were many special events. Every morning, after the burning of the regular sacrifices, there was a water-pouring ceremony. An imposing procession brought water carried in golden vessels up to the Temple Mount where it was poured, along with wine, on the altar! Silver horns were blown, and flutes were played. The day was filled with the impressive presentation of the gift-offerings brought by pilgrims. After dark came the fire ceremonies. Torches were juggled, giant menorot were set ablaze, and even the priests' old garments were burned in bonfires. Sukkot scored a ten in spectacle.”

 In China, they have the Water Dragons. To bring rain, the dragons would fly up into the clouds. Storms are battling dragons. Droughts sleepy ones. Floods wrathful dragons.
The Dragon Dance preformed at Chinese New Year ceremonies now was originally a ritual done for rain making.


In India, the buddhist tradition is that Kingship and rainfall were linked. The king invoked rain when needed.


And in England the rainmaking rites at Gellion Well in West Glamorgan, the people danced on the green, throwing flowers and herbs, singing old ballads, playing “kiss the ring". Then the group leader would go to the well and cry out 3 times “bring us rain” Looks like it worked!


And of course here in the US the Hopi Indians are famous for their rain dancing.


It is fascinating how the world views rain and water.  


Just remember that on your next rainy day and you want to complain about it.

Truth, Justice and the American Way

I am a proud American.
I grew being told that this country was blessed by God and was founded on principals that were undeniably right and just. And that  others want to come here because we are somehow “special”. After all, my own grandparents came here from Ireland to escape the hardship and injustice that was perpetrated on the Irish people for centuries because of their religion.

But recently I have come to realize that something has shifted.
That there is a bad wind blowing here that we may not be able to over come. There is a blood lust that the media, and so called talking heads have convinced the public to accept, and really to rely on. That what they say is Gospel, and that no other thought is truth.

The media is full of 24 hours of stories that don’t make people feel proud to be human. Of war, and murder and child abuse. Of politicians who lie and cheat, and have no respect for the law or the people who voted them in, much less their wives. Of the Mel Gibson’s [who made a name for himself as a wholesome family man] who leave their families to have sex openly with those who obviously are using them to gain their own fame. Or the Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashians who can only gain fame by making a sex tape public, then go on to make millions as they are arrested multiple times for drunk driving, assault and other unsavory things that women should be ashamed to admit.

We cant let our children play out of our sights because we are afraid they may be kidnaped by some sicko that will hurt them in an unthinkable way.

We have phenomena of the “high profile murder trials”.

 O.J., Robert Blake, Scott Peterson, Anna Nichole Smith, Michael Jackson and now Casey Anthony.

The 24 hour reports of how these people murdered their loved ones, has made quite a few lawyers rich and famous by their expertise.

And after years of the lawyers paid by news outlets to give their opinion on the grisly evidence, and wild speculation  which the general public hangs on every word, the AMERICAN justice system, which consists of a jury of their peers, gives their verdict.
If that verdict goes against what the talking heads have proclaimed, the public is outraged.
The blood lust is not satisfied. We want these people DEAD! No matter that they got a trial.
No matter that the very justice system that this country proclaims to the rest of the world as the VERY BEST, we don’t like it. The jury was lazy, wicked, wrong, stupid.

This country is better than that. Isn’t it?

When Americans see the trial of Amanda Knox in Italy, they are outraged that she didn’t get a fair trial.
But the world KNOWS that Casey Anthony is guilty.

Someone on TV says that country has WMD’s, and we have to take them out. Ok, let’s rally around the flag and go bomb them for their own good.

WTF?

We are obsessed with those who we make into celebrity’s who we are sure are guilty of any number of offenses, and we want to see them brought down. Even to death.

But what about the people in this world who genuinely need our compassion and help.
Those that are subject to the evilness of war and everything that comes with that?
What about the people who put themselves on the line to try to make things right for those with no hope?

That is not news.

 No one cares. Certainly not  Nancy Grace, or Greta Van Sustren or any one of those other talking heads who live for the next O.J.

We are living in a time that is very precarious. Where earthquakes, and tsunamis and hurricanes can destroy whole nations. Where war and famine and evil governments take away that which makes us human. But we care more about what the media tells us is important then what our hearts should be telling us.

We need to refocus on what is important, instead of sitting in front of that stupid box, watching some sick people get the death penalty, and then cheering it on


Come on America, wake up. The rest of the world is waiting