Good Bye 2011- Hello 2012

This blog was started almost a year ago to help me express feelings that I could not other wise get out at the time.
I was in a position where I was in great anguish, and could not afford a shrink or a pill.

Sooo the realm of the blogsphere has become my outlet.

Some people expressed their alarm at how angry I sounded.

Yes, that is part of the journey I have taken.

But so was excitement for a new adventure. Wonderment at a new city life I have experienced. Gratefulness for the friends and family that showed so much mercy for me by listening to my woes. Great sadness at the end of love. Fear of the unknown. Despair at losing my world.
And now at last…

Happiness.

Happiness that I am returning to where my heart has lived these past 23 years since I left.
No, really 28 years, since I first saw her.
I think I always knew that someday I would live here again

I am about to embark on a new adventure, alone, to live and work in Hawaii.
It is a dream come true.

After the last 3 years it was really hard for me to accept that a new life was possible without pain and stress and anger.

But it is like the calm after a huge storm, and a blue sky appears with a nice breeze.

Having been offered a job, and security there, the company is flying me out in January right after my birthday.

It seems fitting that my new life starts at the beginning of a new promising year.

Good bye 2011!
It started and ended with sadness. But the new year is banishing all that.

And so for this blog there will be no more anger or bitterness. I deleted some posts that I made which were beneath me. I am not that person who wishes others bad.

It shows just what a demon anger is.

I prefer to go towards the light. I will forgive, and maybe one day forget.

That is one thing for the islands. You find it so easy to forget there. And just existing there brings happiness.
p.s. keep watching for photos to come

This was so profound that I had to share

Dating after a divorce is just like getting back on the horse, right?

Well, not so much.

It certainly is not the same as dating before marriage, and frankly, I think it takes a lot of courage on the part of both the male and the female to “get out there again.” You’ve got to feel ready to date, you need to find the right place to look for a date, and you’ve got to find the right one to date. At least it seems those are the right questions to answer before dating, but I found – and you may have as well – that it’s just not that simple.

Popular belief in today’s society holds that the key to getting over a divorce is to find someone new. Friends and relatives always had “the perfect person” they wanted to set me up with and went to great lengths to talk me into going on dates. But what they didn’t understand and I found a difficult time articulating was a new relationship would not be the cure for the massive emptiness I felt from my divorce.

In my opinion, there are three key mistakes people make when dating after a divorce and I would like to help you avoid them. The first one, and the main subject of this article, is very simple and almost always overlooked: Many people are simply not healed enough to date and begin new relationships.

I remember once during my post-divorce years going to confession to a very wise priest, Fr. Carlton, and discussing with him how I was feeling about my ex-spouse and the frustration he was still putting me through three years after our divorce. During this confession, Fr. Carlton said to me, “You say you want to love, but how can you love when your heart is so full of resentment and bad feelings?”

Wow.

That was a potent question and one that gave me much to think about. How could I love another man when my heart was full of these unresolved, painful feelings? Where was the room for love?

An imprisoned heart

I knew Fr. Carlton was right. I needed to rid my heart of the bad feelings toward my ex-spouse. I needed to forgive him.

I realized that my heart was like a prison where he was locked in a cell. Periodically, I would take him out and argue with him, telling him all the things I wished I had said when I remembered our arguments. Then I’d put him back in the cell and leave him there until the next time I decided to abuse him.

It was awful.

The worst thing about this was I was the one suffering the most from my lack of forgiveness. I expended an incredible amount of energy just being angry or upset. It also led me to believe that I could not trust men anymore, and that also had to be dealt with. A new relationship and possibly marriage would have to be, must be based on mutual trust and respect. Without it, there is nothing but a meaningless attraction.

So I worked hard on truly forgiving my ex-spouse. Forgiveness is a process and something I found I needed to do every day. The way I was able to achieve this was through practicing something else, too: acceptance.

I needed to accept the fact that I could not control the things my ex-spouse was doing, saying, or thinking. His leaving our marriage, his new lifestyle, and the reasons he gave others for all that was a source of incredible pain for me.

But I had to accept the fact that I could not control him. There simply was nothing I could do about it, so I had to let go of that and look to what I could control. That was my own actions, thoughts, and words.

I also had to accept that even though I was a good wife and fought for my marriage, I was not perfect. I had contributed to the break-up of my marriage in my own ways and I needed accept my faults and contributions to the divorce. This was not easy to do, but gradually, it helped me stop laying all the blame on others for my anger and pain.

Taking these two steps helped me tremendously in getting rid of the terrible feelings that were taking up room in my heart. In good time, I felt confident that if my ex-spouse ever walked into the same room I was in, I could walk up and shake his hand. And my heart became truly a place for love. Not simply love for someone new, but more importantly, for Christ. Through that exercise I found a greater love for God than I had ever experienced and it gave me joy and a great sense of peace.

Looking Forward

It is amazing to me how completely my life has changed in the last 3 years.
In a lot of ways for the good, and in some not so good.
Last year I was in my own home, with a business {I was working very hard to hold on to} but no money.
2 years before that I was [I thought] happily married to a man I adored and believed I would love till I died.
Having opened a beautiful salon, I wanted so badly to succeed at, mainly so we would have some sort of retirement. Living in a small town on the eastern shore of Maryland.

I am now living in California. And it is wonderful! Other than Hawaii, it is my favorite place to live.
I moved from LA up to Carmel, but things didn't work out quite the way I imagined.
The salon I was to work in was not as busy as I was led to believe, and the owner is controlling and crazy.

So, I am once again LA bound.

This is actually a good thing. I love the city! There is lots of energy, and things to do day and night.
Like New York, you can go out any time and find what you want.
Plus I have friends there.

There are plenty of salons there for me to find the right fit.  Early in my career, having a natural talent for it, I chose to specialize in hair color and now coming full circle I know I made the right choice.

My divorce from He-who-must-not-be-named [for you Harry Potter fans] is proceeding, and of course he blames me for everything. I still think of him often. And hope that someday I wont.

That is normal right?

Well, it has been a long time now, and someday soon my life will be settled in a positive way.

I think it is so hard for me because the love I felt for so long ended so abruptly. Without any explanation.

Well I am not the first to go through this, and I wont be the last. Sad, sad.

End of an Era

I received divorce papers last week.

When someone tell’s you time heals all wounds, they are so right. If this happened last year, I would have been so broken. But today, although really sad, I know that I will not only survive I will thrive.

You cant spend close to 20 yrs with someone and not miss them.
I have weathered the storm, and am loosing the anger, moving forward in forgiveness.

Without that my future would be scarred.

This is due to making myself change. Moving away was the first step.
This journey was to heal, and find my destiny.

Well, it looks like that is in California. In Carmel, on the Monterey coast.

Wow!

Since I arrived here I have been looking for the right spot for Dylan and me.

First I thought San Diego. It is beautiful, great weather, very artsy. Somehow I didn’t feel it.
I couldn’t SEE myself there. At least right now.

Then Santa Monica, Beverly Hills, Hollywood area.
I REALLY love Santa Monica.
But again I didn’t see my life there. I looked for a job there, and could easily have gotten one, but for what I would pay in rent it would be tough for a while. It has great weather, the beach and lot’s going on.
My job is commission and I would be struggling for a while, as there are so many hair stylist there.

So I am going to try Carmel and the area around there.

I believe in signs. And I have to say this seems to me to be a great sign that I have arrived at the place that God wanted me to be.

And for the first time in 3 years, I am happy.

So for all those that read this blog, that are going through a bad time.
Just let go.
All of those things that we are afraid to loose, all of the pain from divorce and having your life turned upside down, just let the spirit lead you.

Because you can not do it alone.

What are the chances that I would leave my life, drive out west [having never been here before].
Find a great job [in this bad economy] already have friends here and make new friends and be offered a safe place to live with my best friend Dylan [my border collie]?

Last year I could not get out of bed because the pain was too much.
The massive debt and struggle to hold on to my home and business were devastating.
It all made me sick. To the point I almost died. I couldn’t eat for a month. I lost 20 lb.’s.

But it was not my time yet. God has other plans for me. And I guess it is in California!

So now although I am sad that my marriage is over, I look forward to my future.
And it looks better than ever.

Thanks to all of my friends and family that have given me their support and love.
But most of all I give thanks to God for giving me the strength to make this happen.

When life stands still

Last night the stars became dimmer in my world.

 My son Justin, who is visiting me in LA, got a call that his best friend was stabbed to death by a 17 yr old who came to his apt to rob him. Pat, who is blind was the kindest soul. Having lost his sight when he was 18 to eye disease, Pat went on to collage, had just finished his degree and was looking forward to buying his first home.

The world stood still for a second, while we tried to process this. But how can you?
On a breath our lives have been changed forever. And the pain of that is indescribable.

July 18 2006 my world was changed in the same way when my best friend was murdered by her boyfriend. I felt it, way before I got that call. Something was just not right. I kept calling and calling, but got no answer. And I knew! I just knew that something bad had happened. I didn’t want to think in terms of death. Final. I thought maybe she was in hospital. But when I got the call, I felt like my head and heart exploded. I could not come to terms with this, and still think everyday about it.

I had bad dreams until the day I heard that her killer died of a stroke. The justice that could not be had on earth, was now given by GOD. I have little doubt where He is now.

Justin is so broken by this, and I know exactly how he feels. There are no words. The only thing that can be done is to be there for him. If he wants to talk, or just sit, I am there for him.
I know and share the pain he is feeling.

You want those closest to you to help you through it.

When Debra died, I had no one. My husband, basically left me to deal with this on my own.
He wouldn’t even go to the funeral with me. Nice guy huh? Aren’t I lucky he is gone.

Thankfully Justin has Pat’s family, and his other best friend is Pat’s brother Dan.
Justin and Dan will help each other through the dark days. They will never get over this.
But they will survive.

Today is a sad day.

Dating after marriage ends

At first glance, this seems so strange. When you are in a long term relationship you think that the dating world has ended for you, and thank God for that.

Dating can be stressful and difficult to get into. Especially if you are a woman and you are past 30.

Have things changed that much since the last time I was here? Do men really think it is expectable to touch you on the first date? Should I call him or should I wait for him to call me?

These are all things that go through your head when first you meet.

It is very different, than when you were younger. You are more conscious of what is and what is not desirable to you in a mate.

When in your 20’s it was all about chemistry. You weren’t necessarily thinking long term. Whatever felt right at the time was great, and go for it.
In your 30’s it was all about Mr Right. Who could you find to have children with [that is if you hadn’t already had them in your 20’s] and who would be your soul mate to share your life with.

When you divorce in your 50’s dating becomes a whole other thing.

It is now about trusting that the other person is who they say they are.

 And while chemistry is great, it isn’t all important. What the person’s life says about them, how they have treated their past relationships[because you tend to see a pattern in past relationships, I know I have one] where they want to be in the future. Because lets face it, your future is limited by time. As a woman, we don’t want to be doing this again in another 20 years.
So trust is essential.

Most women wont believe this, but there is a large population of men out there who want to date a woman older then them.
I am not really sure what I think about this. It is surely flattering, but is it real?

And then there is the financial aspect to all of this. You don’t want to date someone who is still trying to find their pot of gold.

In the past, I was willing to work with my ex’s toward a future together, and by that I mean financially. But having been bitten more than once by that dog, I find I don’t want to pet them anymore.
So that means that who I choose to develop a relationship with has to be self sufficient.

And then you want someone you can admire. Someone who is interesting, well spoken, has a zest for life. And looks really seem unimportant now.
Don’t get me wrong, a handsome face and a nice butt are great. But is that all there is to life?
Been down THAT road, and I assure you, it is not.

I was told by my soon to be ex-husband, that I was not able to change, had a negative outlook and something else that I cant remember that was said to demean.
I think that I have proven that to be false.

So here I am. Moving forward, with lots of opportunities. And a positive outlook on the future, and not afraid to put myself out there in this crazy dating world.
But THIS time I intend to be smarter, and more aware of whom I am trusting with my heart.

Waiting for the Rain

Southern California is an interesting place. Some days you wake up and it looks like it’s going to rain, it feel’s like it’s going to rain. There is a chill and a breeze in the air….but no rain.

Whatup with that? 

We could use some rain here. Dry hills, dry people. The plants and trees here look like it rains all the time.

Everywhere there are beautiful, colorful flowers and huge trees. But no rain. it all comes from waste water. 

My friend says she wants rain because she feels like it washes away the sins of the world.

Another person said they want rain so they don’t have to pay for a car wash.

I like the first analogy.

Up north of here, it DOES rain all the time. They say Carmel has moss growing on the roofs…cant wait to see if THATS true.  

Rain makes me think of my dad. He loved thunderstorms, as I do too.

The day of his funeral there was a HUGE thunderstorm. Thanks Dad!

People here don’t realize what a gift rain is. In other parts of the world rain brings on a celebration.

In the Hindu tradition, rain on your wedding day brings good luck.

In Southwest Nigeria Lightening is used as an instrument of warfare.

In Japan, some rain dance rituals occur in the early spring, but the REAL rain dance takes place at the end of summer, for the harvest and when the farmers are desperate.

The Salel of Tunisia is part of the arid zone that extends from Morocco to Afghanistan. The people of this region profess the religion of Islam. theirs views link divine power, human actions and rain are based on the Qur>an and are expressed in rain prayers. Opinion is widely held that a drought is caused by the injustice and ingratitude to GOD, and that if people repent of their sins GOD would send them rain.




In the SUKKOT, or harvest of the moon festival in autumn is also known as the Festival of Rain.

Although nowadays we often view rain as an interruption or an inconvenience, those that live off the earth embrace rain as life. Rain nurtures and sustains us. In Israel, where rain is unpredictable and only comes during the winter season, Sukkot became one of the most important holidays of the year, because that is where the Jewish people asked for rain to fall. For our students starting a new year, this new beginning seems as unpredictable as the rain, and there is an unconscious collective desire to be blessed with the same security that rain brings.

In its primal form, Sukkot was done with great joy and impressive pageantry. "In Temple times, the week-long celebration of Sukkot was one of the year's two major pilgrimage events (the other being Passover). Jews came from all over the world to bring their tithes to the Temple, and to join in the celebrations. There were many special events. Every morning, after the burning of the regular sacrifices, there was a water-pouring ceremony. An imposing procession brought water carried in golden vessels up to the Temple Mount where it was poured, along with wine, on the altar! Silver horns were blown, and flutes were played. The day was filled with the impressive presentation of the gift-offerings brought by pilgrims. After dark came the fire ceremonies. Torches were juggled, giant menorot were set ablaze, and even the priests' old garments were burned in bonfires. Sukkot scored a ten in spectacle.”

 In China, they have the Water Dragons. To bring rain, the dragons would fly up into the clouds. Storms are battling dragons. Droughts sleepy ones. Floods wrathful dragons.
The Dragon Dance preformed at Chinese New Year ceremonies now was originally a ritual done for rain making.


In India, the buddhist tradition is that Kingship and rainfall were linked. The king invoked rain when needed.


And in England the rainmaking rites at Gellion Well in West Glamorgan, the people danced on the green, throwing flowers and herbs, singing old ballads, playing “kiss the ring". Then the group leader would go to the well and cry out 3 times “bring us rain” Looks like it worked!


And of course here in the US the Hopi Indians are famous for their rain dancing.


It is fascinating how the world views rain and water.  


Just remember that on your next rainy day and you want to complain about it.

Truth, Justice and the American Way

I am a proud American.
I grew being told that this country was blessed by God and was founded on principals that were undeniably right and just. And that  others want to come here because we are somehow “special”. After all, my own grandparents came here from Ireland to escape the hardship and injustice that was perpetrated on the Irish people for centuries because of their religion.

But recently I have come to realize that something has shifted.
That there is a bad wind blowing here that we may not be able to over come. There is a blood lust that the media, and so called talking heads have convinced the public to accept, and really to rely on. That what they say is Gospel, and that no other thought is truth.

The media is full of 24 hours of stories that don’t make people feel proud to be human. Of war, and murder and child abuse. Of politicians who lie and cheat, and have no respect for the law or the people who voted them in, much less their wives. Of the Mel Gibson’s [who made a name for himself as a wholesome family man] who leave their families to have sex openly with those who obviously are using them to gain their own fame. Or the Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashians who can only gain fame by making a sex tape public, then go on to make millions as they are arrested multiple times for drunk driving, assault and other unsavory things that women should be ashamed to admit.

We cant let our children play out of our sights because we are afraid they may be kidnaped by some sicko that will hurt them in an unthinkable way.

We have phenomena of the “high profile murder trials”.

 O.J., Robert Blake, Scott Peterson, Anna Nichole Smith, Michael Jackson and now Casey Anthony.

The 24 hour reports of how these people murdered their loved ones, has made quite a few lawyers rich and famous by their expertise.

And after years of the lawyers paid by news outlets to give their opinion on the grisly evidence, and wild speculation  which the general public hangs on every word, the AMERICAN justice system, which consists of a jury of their peers, gives their verdict.
If that verdict goes against what the talking heads have proclaimed, the public is outraged.
The blood lust is not satisfied. We want these people DEAD! No matter that they got a trial.
No matter that the very justice system that this country proclaims to the rest of the world as the VERY BEST, we don’t like it. The jury was lazy, wicked, wrong, stupid.

This country is better than that. Isn’t it?

When Americans see the trial of Amanda Knox in Italy, they are outraged that she didn’t get a fair trial.
But the world KNOWS that Casey Anthony is guilty.

Someone on TV says that country has WMD’s, and we have to take them out. Ok, let’s rally around the flag and go bomb them for their own good.

WTF?

We are obsessed with those who we make into celebrity’s who we are sure are guilty of any number of offenses, and we want to see them brought down. Even to death.

But what about the people in this world who genuinely need our compassion and help.
Those that are subject to the evilness of war and everything that comes with that?
What about the people who put themselves on the line to try to make things right for those with no hope?

That is not news.

 No one cares. Certainly not  Nancy Grace, or Greta Van Sustren or any one of those other talking heads who live for the next O.J.

We are living in a time that is very precarious. Where earthquakes, and tsunamis and hurricanes can destroy whole nations. Where war and famine and evil governments take away that which makes us human. But we care more about what the media tells us is important then what our hearts should be telling us.

We need to refocus on what is important, instead of sitting in front of that stupid box, watching some sick people get the death penalty, and then cheering it on


Come on America, wake up. The rest of the world is waiting

When God gives you lemons…make lemonade

Starting over is not easy. And when you find yourself doing it in your 50’s, it is doubly hard.
When someone experiences death or betrayal, there are phase’s that you go through that can last years.
Each person reacts differently to whatever pain level that they are in. Grief has many faces.
Shock, disbelief, deep sadness, hope that this is all a dream and that things will eventually return to what they were, panic, anger. And eventually…. acceptance.
Friends and family may think that what you are feeling is not normal. It’s taking too long. You should get over it and not dwell on the pain that you are feeling.
Some people can go to a therapist, and that can help. Some go to a doctor and take medication.
But in these economic times that may not be financially possible. So you depend on the people around you, who you trust and love. This can only go on for so long. Because even though your pain remains, their patience may not. So the best thing to do is pick the people who are least critical and can help you through,
Pray that God will help you and just look to the future and KNOW it will be better, because you make it that way. And if you have a relapse, and find yourself feeling insecure and sad, try talking to yourself.
Pray for acceptance. And Forgiveness.

The Good, The Bad and The REALLY Ugly

California, as Johnny Carson always liked to say, is like a bowl of granola. What’s not fruits and nuts are flakes.

But it really is so much more. And I am finding that it has gotten a bad rap. So far here is what I have experienced….

The Bad can be so consuming if you focus on it. The bad and rude drivers can drive you to drink [and sorry to say does with many people, even WHILE they drive] the traffic is all people talk about. When to drive, on which road and what time is it because you want to stay off certain Hwys and find back roads that everyone else already know about, so they are crowded too.
I have driven in major cities all over the world. New York, Washington D.C.  Rome, London, Mombassa, Caracas, Miami, Detroit, Rio, Seattle, Auckland, Honolulu, but this city is the worst!

AND the awful road conditions.
Pot holes abound! Come on California, you could put thousands of people to work with just fixing the pot holes.

The homeless situation is very sad. Mostly because they are mentally unstable or lost their homes.
But you cannot help them, because they will get aggressive, then you really have a problem.
I have seen this before in many cities, and LA is right up there with all the other major populations around the world [except Mombassa, that is unbelievable]

The taxes are high, but they don’t seem to be enough to pay for anything [like the pot holes]

People here complain about the heat. Really people, I am from D.C.  It cant be worse than 100+ degrees and 100% humidity! Bring it on.

The REALLY Ugly is just that.
I have recently experienced Sunset Blvd at night! My new friend took me to the famous Rainbow Room on a Saturday night. I was totally not prepared for what that was.

First of all 50 some year old women should not be sitting in a bar anyway, but I digress.

I man came up to us who was obviously in his 50’s, over weight with bleached yellow hair [being a hair colorist of course that is the first thing I noticed] wearing some kind of leather out fit, with many pockets on his belt. I asked what as in all of those pockets, and he looked at me like I was from some other planet
[which frankly I might as well have been from since I had no knowledge of this kind of person]
He first pulled out his container of pot. Well ok, this is California, land of the medical marijuana stores.
Then the other containers of what ever drug he thought he might need.
THEN the handcuffs, and whip.
 Huh? I asked if he was a cop[because of the cuffs] or had he rode in on a horse?[the whip] and again I got that look of are you an alien? I told him to move on.
It wasn’t till the next day that my other friend told me he was into S&M and advertising to those that wanted to play, that I understood that look.

I was told that Sunset was a really seedy place and to stay away from it. No worries there. I have 0 interest in drinking or exploring the night life here unless it includes a museum, movie and great food.

Now, to the Good. And there is so much here that is good. The weather so far has been great [i.e: not D.C. in the summer] the city is so interesting with the beautiful architecture, and great restaurants, free museums, and cafe’s, small playhouses where you can see well know actors, and BIG movie theaters. Then you drive a short distance and you have beautiful mountains, beaches, deserts, small towns that are to say the least charming, rugged shorelines, dolphins swimming off the coast [reminding me of Maui] areas of shopping that can feel like you are in Italy, France, Germany, Mexico, Brazil, India, Africa, Britain, and so many other parts of the world. Hollywood and the whole world of the stars, fabulous homes, and great craftsman houses. And more.
You just have to experience it.

And not focus on the other.

On a different track, I have emailed my work bio to 2 top salons. One in Carmel, and the other in San Diego. And have gotten great interest in hiring me. I am making plans to travel to see both.
So more of the state to explore. And more for me to write in this blog.

See, I told you life is good and worth exploring. You just have to get up and do it.
Don’t focus all of your energy on the pain, or betrayal that can drag you down. Stuff happens.

Around the corner is something fabulous!

City Living

Living in the city, especially a mega city like La is interesting on so many levels. It has the architecture and the restaurants and the museums. Coffee shops and out door cafes. Pastry shops and the Flower mart.
And…it is only a few miles to a beautiful beach. Or if you want colder an hour to the mountains, same for the desert.

The trade off?

How about reams of homeless [even in Beverly Hills] and rude dangerous drivers. A crazy freeway system. Outrageous gas prices.
And lots of....color, as in people. I keep thinking “ I never saw anything like that before”.
The street cleaners try very hard but it is impossible to keep all of the streets clean.

Except Beverly Hills. That place is manicured.

I am going to take a trip up to San Fran and drive to Carmel to check that out.
There are job offers there I want to see. Just want to get a feel of what the weather is like too, and the housing.

They say the difference between San Fran vs La is like the difference between Mac vs PC

Well, if it is anything like my Mac, I am sold. I loovvvveee my Mac.
I don’t know why I didn’t switch earlier. It is much better for graphics. And it is easy to use and no bugs.
Plus the One on One for a year helps, so I can go in and they will help me on the spot at no extra cost.

So far I feel so much better here. No stress and beautiful weather. And lots of walking!

What else could you want? I keep looking for that perfect place.

How did I get here

As a friend said to me “It wasn’t easy.”

 It started a couple of years ago, when my best friend, partner and husband and I put together a salon business, so we would have some retirement in the near future.
Our deal with each other was that I would build the biz, and he would take care of the bill’s at home.
So I gambled and put up everything, home, land, credit, to make this happen. Since everything was in my name this was a huge thing for me. But I trusted that we would work together and make this a success.

Unfortunately, right after I opened I contracted swine flu and spent a month in bed recovering.
Then the economy went into a nose dive. Despite that the business was slowly building a name.
My husband lost his job, and decided to travel south to find work. He told me he would be gone for 2 weeks.

 He never came back.

I was holding things together as best as I could, and supported what he wanted to do, which was to work on boats. He did find some work, but when I needed money to pay bill’s he declined to support me.

That is when I knew that he had not left for work. But left his/our life together. That and the fact that he stopped talking to me. We emailed back and forth, but for 2 people who talked to each other 10 times a day on the phone, this was a huge sign that he had moved on.

He later told me that he didn’t have it in him to support a wife.[never mind that in 17 years I supported every business he wanted to start, and worked my ass off to make sure that things were payed and we could travel extensively].

I spent a year and a half in bed [other than working] trying to come to terms with the destruction of my world. Trying to pay all the debt that I was now saddled with. With no explanation as to why, as he didn’t have the ball’s to tell me.

Interesting how you can spend close to 20 years with someone and not really know them.

2 years after he left, I got sick again. Only this time I almost died. I spent a month in bed and could not eat ANYTHING. I could barely drink water. After going to hospital, as I was dehydrated and lost 20 lbs it was finally determined that I had something called c-def. This is something that usually will kill you, but I survived.

 It was then that I realized that God had another plan for me.

When I went back to work it became really clear that I could no longer hold all of those ball’s up in the air.
I lost my business and home and everything that I worked 20 years for.

So I pulled myself together and sold everything I could, and took what little savings that I had, including my 401k and moved.

As it turns out, my son’s father came to my rescue. He showed up with a truck and our son and moved what I had left into him basement. And offered me sanctuary in his home for how ever long I needed it.
His girlfriend welcomed me with open arms. Who does that? Only your true friends and family.

I decided to start over in an all new place. So I put everything I could carry in my car with my dog, Dylan, and started on the journey of my life.

 My new life.

And the rest is this blog history.

Now, here I am in California living a life that is stress free.
Working on creating a great future.
As a hairdresser I have never had trouble with finding a job, and have many offers to choose from.

And my former husband? He is living in the the same house he grew up in, in a small midwest town with his 80+ yr old father and his new girlfriend. How’s that working for you?

I believe that things happen for a reason. And now to look back on all of that I realize it had to happen for me to move into this new life that I love. And to become wiser about who to trust.

So many people who have read this blog, or who I have met have said they think me to be very brave.
To walk away from everything and drive alone across the country to start over.
I don’t see myself that way.
I see it as survival.

And that with a faith that God had a special place for me if I would just let go.

Pasadena is flirting with me

Could there BE a more charming city in this part of California? Great architecture, cute shops, plenty of nice restaurants, beautiful craftsman homes on well kept tree lined streets, wonderful old churches, 15 miles from downtown LA, AND…view of snow capped mountains in the winter.
Also good public transportation

Hard to beat.

The weather here right now is perfect. In the morning it is in the low 60’s and the afternoon mid 70’s.
Where as my friends on the east coast are sweating it out with 90+ degrees and high humidity already.
What ever happened to Spring?? It moved to California! Everything is blooming here.

The best part is this is a serious dog state. By that I mean there are dogs everywhere. Most of the rentals here allow dogs,[did you hear that Dylan?] you see people on the streets and shopping areas with their dogs. Even signs that say if you abandon a dog on the street you WILL go to jail! Yeah.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are things here that are negatives. I just haven’t experienced them yet.
Earthquakes [yikes] fires, lots of homeless, high gas prices[I did experience that] high taxes….
But I guess it is a tradeoff.

So far I am willing to trade.

Deal Breakers

It was brought to my attention that when describing what I was looking for in a mate, I left out some REALLY important things. Deal breakers really. Like being financially stable. Like being faithful and trustworthy. Like having a faith in something and not being paranoid that the government was out to GET you and paying taxes is important for a future.

Those things are my deal breakers [as well as cheating because when you truly love someone you don’t do that to them]

What are YOUR deal breakers?

 I have had a problem in the past with trying to fix the men I have been with. I tend to totally trust until they show that they are not trustworthy. And then I give them another chance.
Because I think I love them. And I believed that they loved me. [That is just plain stupid.]

Bad idea!

Never give another chance, because they have already showed you that they have no respect for you. And they cant possibly be in love with you no matter what they say.

 Have some respect for your self, and move on.

I am coming to all this late in life. Better late then never.

I am telling you all this, as I want to help other women know that they are not alone.
That there is life after and it can be better than what you had.

And if you don’t meet someone else to share your life…get a dog!
They are the most loyal, protective, kind, loving creatures.
And if you have to support someone, why not a dog.

I’m just saying...

Santa Monica is cool

This week I am in love with Santa Monica. It is young, and hip and the architecture is fantastic. California cottage meets spanish, craftsman and art deco. And every type of food you could ever hope for. From cheap to world class. The whole edge of Hollywood thing gives it a rich/seedy feel.
I found a Catholic church that had awesome music. It was young and alive, AND it was at 5:30 pm
[which to those of us that move slowly on Sunday is a plus]

And let us not forget the beach!! Beautiful miles of white sand and blue water. What could be better?

This week Connie and I drove about an hour up to Lake Arrowhead, so she could look at property. It was an interesting drive, but somewhat reminiscent of my nightmare drive <see beat death> so I wouldn’t want to do that in the winter months when it snows up there!

But it was a beautiful place with huge trees. The houses look like german ski villa’s. We saw a beautiful house on a golf course with water view, furnished they want $2000 a month.
Considering what things cost in La that was a steal. The thing is you live way up there. And it is cold.

There is also wildlife up there, such as bears as well as lots of deer, raccoons, rattlesnakes …..
A coyote ran right past our car while we were stopped. The blue birds were everywhere.
Nice but, well you know, I am in love with Santa Monica.....This week.

We are planning a trip up to Carmel, so don’t hold me to SM yet.

It has been in the mid/high 60’s since I got here. So I haven’t had the chance to go to the beach yet.
But I had my bike tuned up and will start riding that around the neighborhoods now in stead of driving.
$4.25 a gallon thank you very much. And all of my european friends don’t laugh, because in the US that is ridiculous. Actually I went through places in Arizona where gas is $4.89 but they tack on .45 tax on every gallon.

As Connie lives in Beverly Hills, I have been hanging out there a lot, walking around the store fronts at night, having a coffee at Urth. dinner out doors, at an italian restaurant.
You could get to reallllly like this life.

When I have my own place and Dylan and I are reunited it will feel like home.

 Until then the party go’s on.

La Bella Dolce in Beverly Hills

Well… here I am [finally] sitting here at my friend Connie’s, who lives in Beverly Hills Calif.
And I finally feel, believe that this IS my year. That the pain and stress and heartache of the past 2 + years is behind me. I am coming into this new life with positive energy and outlook.
Thank you God!
And to all my friends and family that have heard me, and prayed for me, and were supportive while I traveled this difficult journey, bless you.
And to the new people I have added to that roster. All along the road I have met wonderful people who have offered me friendship without really knowing me.

Since I got here a few days ago, Connie has been showing me the area,and places that might be good to settle down in. I will be spending 3 months in Venice, which is about 5 miles from here. So I can get a better feel for what I really want.

Connie and I have been talking about taking a few trips, one down the coast to San Diego[which I love] Up to San Francisco, and to Italy. Also My friend Leslie who lives in Maui wants me to come visit.

The air here is not great for my sinus, but hopefully that will get better with time.

What a life…but someone has to live it.
Stay tuned.

Fancy meeting you here

On my last night in San Diego, I happened to text my daughter Genevieve, and what a surprise, she had just  landed in La with 3 girlfriends on vacation. So I drove up to Newport Beach to have dinner with them. It was a so good to see her, and after dinner they wanted me to stay over with them. So we had a cot put into the room, and got dressed and went out for the evening. I had forgotten what it was like to go to a bar with loud music, and the main purpose was to drink as much as you could in a short period of time.
It was interesting but I came to realize that I much preferred to be home with someone I was comfortable with and not be out looking for the next date. The girls tried, without any success to persuade me to look for a younger man. Even just for the night. No, I am way past that and find it has no appeal for me.
What i want in the future is a REAL man. One who is honest and trustworthy. He must be Compassionate and romantic, and kind.
So after a night of frivolity, I woke up with no hang over, Thank God. And went and sat in the hot tub.
I was only out for about an hour and got a sun burn. My stupidity, I didn’t put any sunscreen on.
On to Beverly Hills.

San Diego…YES!

San Diego is living up to all that I have imagined and all the good things, so far, of what I had heard.
Although the weather is not what I expected [64 and rainy cold] it still has all the things I would want out of a city. But it is Maui like. Palm trees, blue water, lots of art and animals. I am almost sold.
I prayed for some kind of sign to tell if this was IT. When I looked for jobs thru AVEDA, they have an opening in….San Diego! Is this the sign GOD? I guess if they actually HIRE me then that would be a confirmation. So all I can do is send in my resume and wait and see. Mean while I will be spending the summer in beautiful Venice Ca. A friend of a friend is going out of town for 3 months and needs someone to watch her dog and cat. That would be me.
I spent my first day here at the San Diego Zoo and touring Balboa which is an artist community.
Today I went to La Jolla, and hung out. Visited ‘Africa and Beyond, a store on the main street that sells african art and masks. Talked to Ian about my own mask collection. So Maybe he could tell me something about the origins of each one.
Then I went down and spent several hours photographing the seals. It was a good day.
Tomorrow I will drive north and if there is nice weather I will go on the mission trail. That is a drive to see the old mission churches. California has a rich history of Catholic priests building churches along the coast. I also want to drive the Pacific Coast drive.
On to Beverly Hills!

favorite spot …so far

I am in Flagstaff. This area is a good jumping off point for both the Grand Canyon/75 miles. And Sedona, 25 miles. So Yesterday I went to the GC for the day. It was EXHAUSTING! I got a late start because I wanted to go to a whole foods type store to stock up. So by the time I got there it was about 12:30 pm
The park was over run with people. Mostly they were from other countries, especially Japan. And when you get into the park, they have buses that take you to the look out points. They run every 15 mins, which is great. It was ok, but I think I would rather come in the dead of winter, less people more dramatic.

Today is Sedona. I have wanted to see this area for a long time, as I had seen photographs of it.
Sedona more than lived up to my expectations. It is a beautiful, very clean magical place. First thing I did is stop in a tourist info center in the town of Oakwood[a suburb of Sedona] and the girl told me I HAVE to see Cathedral Rock and she gives me a map. When I got there there was a trail that takes you up for the best photographs. So dummy that I am I take the hike. 1 1/2 hrs later I got to the top, my mouth felt like the Sahara and my back screaming VICODIN!! [yes I did take water but it was hot]
After I finally stumbled down I needed a drink!
Next I went to the Chapel of the Holy Cross. A VERY famous Catholic church built into the rock mountain. I had seen photographs of this church years ago and was really excited about seeing it in person. More climbing but worth it to see the inside. It was very beautiful and very small.
While I was inside, a young girl [about 13] and her mother come into the church. The girl was wearing a 2 piece bathing suit and flip flops. No really. You cant go into a 711 without a shirt, but these 2 thought nothing of walking around as though it was a beach shack. Then to make it even worse her friend comes in and they start flicking Holy Water at each other. It was disturbing at the least. Being a practicing Catholic, it was like they had just urinated on the alter. I assume they were literally raised in a barn.
Who does that?? If that was a Mosque they would have been handed their heads [really!]

After that I really needed a drink. So I went into the downtown of Sedona, and ate a buffalo burger at the Cowboy Club. And I could imagine myself living here. There is something special about the area.
Nice homes, lots of shops and high end stores. Beautiful scenery. Great weather. Lots of money. The only thing lacking was water [I am an Island girl at heart.]
But we shall see...

Page Arizona- Antelope Canyons and Horseshoe Bend

Yesterday I drove about 3 hours to Page Arizona, planning to go see the slot canyons. But by the time I got to the hotel, I was exhausted! So I stayed in and took a nap. That is why today I took a tour [the only way to get in the canyons] of Antelope Slots. And I was happy I did. I went with Overland Tours and Dale was the navajo guide. He was very helpful on where to take the best photos and helped me set up my tripod as well as getting other people out of the way for the shots.
I also went up to Horseshoe Bend, which is a beautiful view of a circular canyon with the river going round. My lens was too big to get the best shot, but I plan to come back to Page again as there was so much more to see here and not enough time.
I did notice that there were languages from around the world. I made it a point of saying hello and the looks on some of there faces was of shock. But others were pleasantly startled.
Right now I am in Flagstaff Arizona, but that is a story for another day…..

Mexican Hat

What can you say about being in the middle of no where. Well, it is dramatic and wind swept and hot.
I actually saw tumble weeds! Really, from an east coast girl who never saw a farm animal till the age of 20,
That was right out of a wild west movie. The canyons and mountains are all red.Just breathtaking.
But it is wreaking havoc on my sinus. Who said move out west where it is dry and you wont have sinus problems? I am drinking water like a camel. You can tell when your lips dry out that water is depleted.
Mexican Hat is a very small town on the edge of Utah and Arizona, Navajo nation here.Must be 20 people living here! But the hotel, Hat Rock Inn was really nice, with a view of the river and mountains.
Monument valley is about 15 miles from here, and is owned by the Navajo's.
The 17 mile drive once you pay $5.00, is very rough, with gravel and pot holes.
You can drive by yourself, or take the tour, which cost $65. I opted to drive myself. It wasn't bad. As a matter of fact I did it twice. My Honda Element rocks! And by going in the morning and the evening, the lighting was different.
There is 2 restaurants & one gas station in town. Gas here is $4.10, 44 cents of that is state tax.
No wonder no one lives here.
On to Page Arizona...

Time to chill

So after our frightening experience on the mountain, we arrived in Grand Junction at my brother Bill's home.
It has been a nice, relaxing time here with Bill, his wife Sheila and 11 yr old twins Shannon and Patrick.
I really haven't done anything here except read, watch tv and hang. Shannon and I have become fast friends. It is nice to have a girl to do girly things with. We will be glued to the tv Friday for the Royal Wedding.
Billy would rather watch paint dry. We have had a fun this week discussing the merits of watching this wedding. He thinks more people watch the super bowl. Ha. The number of people expected to watch is 2 billion, 200 TIMES more than Super Bowl 2011.

 It has been unseasonably cold and I seem to be a bit of a bad weather jinx. When I left Md they had a snow storm. After we left NC they had a freak tornado that hit the same area. Then we came thru Texas, and it had terrible wildfires. So my bro thinks when I leave here the nice weather will set in. You hope!!
I went to the Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church for the Easter week services, and felt the Peace that I was seeking for 2 years. The whole focus was forgiveness, and I am working on that.

This weekend I leave for Mexican Hat Utah, and I am looking forward to the photography there.
This area is right in the heart of Monument Valley, some of the most beautiful and most photographed places in the United States.

 I will be leaving Dylan here as I will be house sitting in Calif and he is bonding with Bill's dog Dusty.

Santa Fe rocks

Arriving in Santa Fe [by way of El Paso and thru White Sands] my first impression was…WOW.
It is a beautiful, clean, colorful town. Great food, interesting architecture, wonderful parks, nice people.
In the morning it is 30 degree's and by early afternoon it changes to the 70's.
Dylan and I spent the first few days wandering around looking and taking photographs of old Churches and windows.
One day I saw an ad for a spa with thermal baths, that you could go and spend the day for $20.
When I got there it turned out that it was "clothing optional" and all of the people there went sans clothes.
So ok, I can handle this. I started in the community pool [with bathing suit on], but that was too much for a good catholic girl. So I moved on to the women's pool. It turned out to be a wonderful spot, outside in the beautiful warm New Mexico weather, the pool was hot and they had a cold pool, then sauna. Very relaxing, after driving for a week.
The next day, we went to http://www.archdiocesesantafe.org/AboutASF/Chimayo.html  the "Lourdes of America" a very tiny old Catholic church up in the mountains. Many people have experienced miracles here.
After the mass, I met a man who was blowing a Shofar in the parking lot. Arthur Lowlow and his wife Janet are committed christians, who make their living making and selling art, jewelry and spice's.
Their 7 yr old daughter played frisbee with Dylan, and thankfully tired him out for the ride.
They introduced me to David, who is in advertising and he gave me a brand new, beautiful aztec blanket.
Santa Fe is definitely on my list of places I might like to live!

beat death again

I was almost killed a couple of days ago.

I was driving up to see my brother Billy in Grand Junction from Santa Fe and my GPS took me over the Red Mountain Pass..

That is 11000 ft. small skinny road, shear drop on both sides. Well I got 1/2 way up and was hit by a blizzard. Iced up wind shield wipers, no chains on my tires, and the road was covered in ice. I couldn't see the road as there was a white out. I came around a switch back and there was a cop in the road. Someone had gone off the road around the bend and all you could see was the tires sticking out of the trees. It was a red SUV.

Then if that wasn't bad enough, my car started to slide towards the edge.

I had Bobby on the phone, as I was so scared that if I died I wanted someone to know where I was at. I screamed so loud that I know he lost a couple of years in fright.

Took me 2 hours to get off that mountain. The only other time I have been that scared was when I put the plane down with no gas in that guys yard. Plus I had a bout of IBS and my stomach was all cramped up. Took me 2 days to recover.

- Show quoted text -

the end...or just the beginning

April 1, 2011

It felt like the end.
Life seemed so good. Promising.  Happy. And then... what do you do when you work hard all of your life and the unthinkable happens. When your husband, who you thought was your soul mate walks out. Leaving you with massive debt, and shattered dreams. Then your dog dies, and you lose your house and business. And the future you thought you would have is gone.

Well, I decided to MAKE my future better. And travel to all the places that I wanted to see, and find a new beginning. Life is worth living and exploring new places is just part of the fun. And renewing my faith in God as well as mankind. I have always believed that there is a true purpose for all things that happen

So I closed my beautiful salon, sold everything I could and took to the road with my best friend Dylan[who happens to be a Border Collie].
Man's best friend. Hah. He is every single woman's true best friend. Loyal, protective, smart. No whining from the back seat. Happy to just have you throw him a frisbee from time to time.

So I packed up my Honda Element and we left Maryland on a cold march morning.
I saw on a web site how you could build a bed in the back and have plenty of storage underneath, like a mini rv. And with a roof bag on top of the car to carry all of my essentials[mainly my AVEDA hair color
and products] I could still find a way to make some money on the road. Being a color specialist I thought that could come in handy.

First stop, Clayton North Carolina. My brother Bob and his wife Shirley live there, and kindly put us up for a week. I was trying to escape the cold in Maryland. But unfortunately it was just as cold there, and it rained the entire time we were there. But it was great any way as they have 4 wonderful grandkids that
were very happy to see us.

North Carolina is a beautiful State. And Clayton is a sleepy little town near Raleigh that has rolling hills and lots of trees.
And lots of new development. Homes, stores, malls, parks, restaurants.

Next we drove to Gulf Shores Alabama. I needed to get out of the cold and get some sun.

I had researched dog friendly hotels, and found a Microtel that was close to the beach and was reasonably priced at $50 a night. We spent 4 nights there and I got a tan.

It was a good beginning and helped me unwind my fragile self esteem.
I bought a new bathing suit [always stressful for a woman past 50] and really felt good about how I looked.

I have been an avid photographer for the past 10 years, and always felt that travel was all about the photographs. This trip was different. I was slow to pull out the camera, and just couldn't find the passion that I have felt in the past trips to Africa, Italy, Bosnia, Hawaii, New Zealand, Canary Islands and other parts of the World as well as the US.

Next was the Hill Country in Texas. For many years now I have wanted to photograph the wildflowers in the spring. It is a famous place that is a photographers dream. So we stayed in Beaumont Texas, and started the search.
Unfortunately there was a drought this year, and there were no flowers to be seen.
And I mean NO FLOWERS! I spent 2 days driving through the back roads and found...dry dusty fields.
With gas prices at $3.69 it was very disappointing.

On to New Mexico. I didn't realize that Texas was such a LONG drive. But with my Itunes, and xm radio it was bearable.
We stopped in El Paso overnight, and stayed in an EconoLodge. I accidentally made the reservation online for the day before. Too many hours on the road will make you loopy.
So when I got there and realized my mistake they charged me for the night before anyway.
I had made the reservation at 4pm and explained that to the front desk. But they were not very nice about it, and basically said too bad for you.
I understand their position. But good customer service go's a long way. Needless to say I wont be staying at EconoLodge again.